Goodbye
by Maehry
Summary: The Doctor and Clara went to Trenzalore and while in his own timestream, the Doctor used up the last of his energy and had to regenerate, while Clara was asleep. When she wakes up, she is confronted with a new version of her Doctor, but he stayed to tell her goodbye.


Goodbye

At first everything is dark.  
I don't know where I am. I don't not what happened. Then there are tiny, little dots of white. They light up and I realize they are stars. They are calling me.

Slowly I realize that I am on my back. I am lying on a soft piece of fabric. My fingers skim the surface and feel the softness. It's smooth and cool. I know that feeling.

Suddenly the memories return. We went to Trenzalore. The Doctor was dying and I jumped into his time stream to save him. The time winds ripped me apart. They tore at me and split me into a thousand copies of myself. I was scattered across time and I was with the doctor… again and again. I remember and a second later I am wide awake.

"DOCTOR!" A scream in the silence that has been hovering in the room. At first I don't know who screamed, but then I realize that it was me. The terrible scream has escaped from my mouth. My voice in my room. I am in my room in the TARDIS. I'm lying on my bed and next to me a man is sitting on a chair. His arms are crossed in front of his chest. He's leaning back and he is watching me. He's old, but he looks like he is even older. Although his hair is dark, he seems to be well in his 50s and his face is covered in wrinkles. He has the appearance of someone who has seen a thousand years and lived a hundred lifetimes. There is something familiar about him and yet I am sure I have never seen him before. I wouldn't have been able to forget the coldness I can see in his eyes. Still something stirs in the back of my head. It seems to be a thought or a memory, but I am not able to hold on to it.

Suddenly he speaks.

"Clara". He knows my name. My eyes lock onto him.

"What happened? Who are you? Where is the Doctor? What did you do to him?" I fire the questions at him. There is still something. I get the feeling that I should know… that I should know all the answers to my questions.

"Oh Clara…. You of all people should know".

His voice is deep, dark and it transports the same coldness in his eyes. Then I grasp the thought that was pushing into my mind. A thought I was trying to avoid. I don't want to think about it and therefore my brain blocked it, but I realize it the same moment he speaks again.  
"I AM the Doctor. Regeneration."

"NO!" No… he can't be… he's not supposed to be. "No… you're lying".

He shakes his head and for a moment his features become softer. He looks younger and still so old. I can see resignation and a hint of… fear? It is like he doesn't know what to do. He may be old, he may be a thousand years old, but this version of him has never had to experience a situation like this. He's inexperienced. And he is sad. He looks so sad. He lowers his head before he starts to speak again.

"No, Clara. I am not lying. You know it is true. You have seen my other faces. All of them. You have been there." He lowers his gaze while I still stare at him. I notice something wet running down my cheeks. It touches my lips and I can taste salt. I'm crying. I hadn't noticed that tears had been pooling up in my eyes, but now they are streaming down my face. The terrible truth has dawned on me. My Doctor is gone. He is gone and he left me with this stranger.  
How? How could he do this to me?  
"Clara". He is speaking to me again, still in his soft voice. The coldness is only there on the edges. "Would you like to say goodbye?"

I blink, but my eyes are covered in tears. I am not able to see him clearly. How… that is not possible. I can't be able to say goodbye. My Doctor is gone, but this man, sitting here next to me is giving me hope and I nod.

"Close your eyes. Visualize me, my former self. He's lingering…."

I do as he tells me. I close my eyes and suddenly I am in another room. It is completely white and there he is. He's standing opposite of me. My Doctor.  
"Clara…my beautiful, clever, wonderful, impossible Clara… I am so sorry".

"Why?" I just stand there. I feel lost. I have never felt that lost in my life before. I don't know what to do.

"It was always supposed to be this way."

Then I am moving. I run towards him. His arms are open and he welcomes me into a tight embrace. Tears cover my face and soak his jacket. I can't stop crying. More and more tears are coming.

"No…," I sob, "no… this was not supposed to be. I was supposed to save you!"

"And you did, Clara. You did so many times!"

"But not the time that mattered".

His arms are still wrapped around me and he cradles me against his chest. His voice is soft when he speaks again.

"They all mattered. Every single time. You were always there when I needed you. You led me to TARDIS, my TARDIS and you gave me the adventure of a lifetime". He chuckles. It wasn't just one lifetime. It was eleven and now the twelfth has started. I'm still crying while I listen as he continues to speak.

"You saved me so many times. Without you, I wouldn't have made it this far. You saved me from the Daleks, although I couldn't save you. You deleted me from their memory. I was able to start over. Then you saved me from myself. I had lost my best friends, I wasn't coping that well and I was in a very dark place, but you were there. You saved me and you gave me hope, you gave me a mystery to solve and while I was saved, you were dying. You were dying over and over again just to save me. Then I found you and you came with me. You were there for me for all those adventures and you saved me again. You were there when I needed you; you gave up the memories of your mother to save me. And you stayed with me until the end. I am so grateful. Thank you, Clara. Thank you, Impossible Girl for always being there when I needed you."

My tears have stopped falling. I look up at him. His handsome face; his beautiful eyes, which can be so alive and dead at the same time. Eyes that can be burning bright at the thought of an adventure and yet be so sad.

He sighs. "I have never liked endings, but this is it… My time is up and you made it the time of my life." Again a little chuckle, then he bows down and kisses me on the top of my head.

"How am I supposed to go on? What am I supposed to do?"

"You choose. You choose if you want to stay. He might not be me, but he IS the Doctor and he still needs you. Maybe he needs you more than ever. And there is still one mystery to be solved."

I tilt my head, because I don't understand. What does he mean? The mystery of how we could have been meeting all those times was solved. I was scattered in his timeline. But I get the feeling that this is not the mystery he is talking about.

"River told me that she was mentally linked to you, but she wouldn't tell me why… She knew you were alive and this is the next great mystery. The only mystery ever worth solving. Who are you? Who is Clara Oswald?"

His eyes gleam, I can see the sense of adventure in them, but he won't be with me any longer. He won't be with me to solve the riddle. If I want to know the solution, if I want to find out who I really am, I will have to solve it myself… or I have to go with the man who is waiting for me.

Suddenly the Doctor straightens.

"It's time. This is goodbye. I can't stay any longer."

"Don't… please… don't go".

"I have to…. I'm sorry, Clara."

He starts to fade away, smiling at me.  
"I don't want to lose you! I don't want to forget you!"  
"Nothing is ever really forgotten. As long as you remember me I will be there. Right there in your heart." His hand had rested on my chest, touching my heart. It vanishes, just like the rest of him.

"Goodbye, Clara!"

"NO!"

But he is gone. I am alone in the white room. I sink to my knees, again crying.  
"Please… come back!"

"You have to go now, Clara. Go, my Impossible Girl and remember me"

Suddenly I can't cry anymore. I have to smile. He used my words. I told him to run and remember me and now he has said those words to me. I will do what he asked me, I will remember him. I will never forget him and that way I can keep him with me.

A moment later I open my eyes in the real world. My Doctor is gone and the new version of him is looking at me. That man who is so familiar and yet so… alien.

"So?" he asks and I am confused for a moment. Then I realize.  
"You have been listening".

A little smile turns up the edges of his mouth. "It is kind of hard to not listen in on a conversation in your own head". So he had heard everything. He knows what my Doctor and I have been talking about, but I still don't answer him. I don't know what to say.

What am I going to do?

I want to find out the secret. I want to know who I am. But he is not my Doctor. He is someone else. Will I be able to travel with him?

He seems to not be able to stand the silence.

"If you want I can drop you on earth, but I would like you to come with me. Travel with me!" He looks at me and his eyes are honest. In that moment I can see my Doctor in him.

"So… What do you say?"

The next moment I have decided. I know what to do. I know what I want to do.  
I look at him.

"I say… Geronimo!"


End file.
